It’s Friday when I first wake up to the news. I suppose that people paying attention knew Thursday, but after two-weeks of nothing but bad news in every direction, I took a day off and just unplugged. So, Friday I slept in, started my coffee, and turned on the local news, only to find that we had what everybody was saying would be a strong category two or a category three hurricane heading our way. We were in the cone. Being in the cone was a very big deal, and it hit me. Right there midway into my first of two cups of coffee it hit me. I had been here for over a year living in ignorant bliss and it just occurred to me that up to now I had done absolutely nothing to prepare for something like a direct hit from a category three anything. What does one need when they find themselves in the cone? What does one do? I took to Facebook for advice. I didn’t ask if they were conservative or liberal because I was certain that this unnamed storm was coming for both parties with equal and unbiased vigor. None of the long-time locals were much help at all, and the consensus was for the most part wait and see. What am I supposed to do with that? Well, I’ll tell you what I did do. I did what any red blooded American from the middle of Kentucky would do….

I ran to Walmart, and I ran to Sam’s, and I ran to every gas station one after another. I bought bread, and I bought PeanutButter. I bought batteries, and candles, and soup, and toilet paper, gas cans. Lord have mercy on me I bought a generator, extension cords, fans, cookstove, and the list goes on and on and on…. Did I mention drinking water? I filled both our cars and two five-gallon cans with gasoline. I don’t know what those folks with Tesla’s are going to do if there is an evacuation, but I am ready.

By Saturday, this storm was known as Ian, and by Sunday folks were saying that Ian was turning to the north. The local people were still pretty unconcerned. I could tell by the way they were holding their beer at the checkout line, standing behind me and my two grocery carts filled with all the typical things one would normally buy when preparing to be snowed in for weeks away from civilization. There is a look that they trade among themselves. A look of superiority that leaves me with the impression that while I’m huddled around a candle, with my doors and windows boarded up, and praying a rosary, they are going to be out surfing and finding huge shark teeth. That thought is beginning to eat at me a little. Haven’t they been keeping up with the new European model, and the cone?

It’s Monday and this damn thing is like being told you got a friend coming in a week and finding out three days before he gets there that he might show up with his whole family and some of his livestock, and then again, he might just drive on by altogether. Now they say it will probably be a category four. Either way, I’m making a pitcher of Hurricanes. Either way, for sure. In the meantime, I am going to take care of some of the things that can’t be put off much longer. Things like bringing in everything that has the potential of becoming a projectile from hurricane force winds. I’m guessing that’s everything smaller than a car. What is proper etiquette when installing hurricane shutters? I’m sure nobody wants to be the first one boarding up, right? That damn cone.

Maybe I’ll get started making pitchers of hurricanes first….