Last year’s new year’s resolution is long forgotten, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t include things like…

• Gain 35 pounds in my belly.
• Walk around with pantyhose on my head for 10 months and call it a mask.
• Cancel a cruise I had been looking forward to for 6 months.
• Hunt toilet paper like it was an elusive bourbon that had been put away in someone’s back room waiting for a high end customer.
• Make an eight person holiday guest list and try to hide from the rest of the family who didn’t make  the cut.

No, not any of these gems were on my list, but that damn year is over. So just like the time I accidently put a half a tank of gasoline in my diesel vehicle, or the time I bought a set of encyclopedias from a traveling salesman… or the time I bought a car in a foreign country that ran for less than a week, and countless other things in my life, I’m going to pretend that it never happened. With that in mind, and remember that a resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something, This is my New Year’s Resolution…

Stop eating. I mean it. I am back into my fat dress suit that I meant to give to somebody but I couldn’t find anybody as fat as me with long legs. I wonder what my chances are of finding a fat person who is looking to get rid of a skinny suit that looks nice?

Leave Andyland. Not that I don’t love being tucked into bed by a guy who looks like he ate boogers at one time, but being a grown man comes with a few perks, like doing what I want, when I want, as long as I want, with who I want… I’m thinking this is the year I head to the Sunshine state.

Become very laid back. This one is gonna be a tough one but I don’t care. It took me a lot of tries to stop smoking too but I never gave up, and eventually I was blessed with success.

Jump out of an airplane.

Listen, I was pulling your leg about jumping out of an airplane. I may fall out someday, but I ain’t jumping.

Anyway, Happy New Year everybody! I’m seriously glad we made it, and I hope so badly that this new year will be good to you. We aren’t out of the woods yet, but just maybe we are close enough to let our guard down real soon.

ws